My stage career began when I was a little under two months old, when I took the spotlight as Baby Jesus in a Christmas pageant. I’m told that I did a wonderful job and slept calmly through the whole thing, which can only speak to my talents as an actress, because I was 1. the wrong gender 2. a colicky screaming demon of a baby and 3. about as far from divine as it’s possible for an allegedly-human child to be.
I continued to be actively involved in theater as a kid (and frequently played roles of various small animals, because I was tiny for my age). Around the age of ten, I was cast as the lead character in a musical about cowboys that I no longer remember the name of. It was my first real lead role, and I took it very, very seriously. And because I am myself, that means I maaaaybe went…a little overboard.
My character’s introduction was early in the play, accompanied by the crack of a bullwhip. This was more-or-less pre internet (or, at least, our director was not tech-savvy enough to find sound effects online) and we didn’t have a sound effect track for that noise. There were plans to acquire the appropriate sound effect before opening night, but I rapidly tired of making my entrance during rehearsals to the sound of someone yelling “BULLWHIP NOISE!”
This, I thought to myself, is a problem I can solve.
I learned early in life that it’s good to be friends with people who have skills; they always come in handy eventually. After rehearsals one day, I put on my cowboy boots and biked a couple miles over to my friend Grace’s house. I went down to their basement and knocked on her older brother’s door.
“Hello,” I said. “I need to learn how to use a bullwhip.”
“….Okay,” he said. It did not seem to occur to him that he might ask further questions about why I, a tiny horrible munchkin composed exclusively of rage and pointy elbows, needed to be weaponized any further. Clearly, I had come to the right person.
My friend’s older brother would have been an SCA nerd, if SCA was a thing where we were. Instead, he was one of those unsupervised 4H kids with weird hobbies, largely oriented around ancient forms of combat. He was somewhere in his late teens at this time, and he liked to make stuff. It was an urge I, even at age ten, could sympathize with. His name was Aron.
Aron got out his bullwhip (which I had noticed hanging on his wall on a prior visit, and had filed away mentally under a for future use tab) and we went to the backyard.
“Step one of using a bullwhip,” Aron began, “Swinging the bullwhip.”
We rapidly discovered that since I was god’s tiniest, angriest creation, a full-size bullwhip was way too long for me to use. Aron’s shins suffered for my attempt.
“…Step one of using a bullwhip,” Aron said, “Making a bullwhip.”
So we went back inside, found a tanned cowhide (that he just…had? I don’t remember if there was a reason for this.) and some razor blades, and I learned how to cut and braid a bullwhip. It took a few tries, and I wound up coming back for a while, because I kept getting frustrated with the bullwhip-braiding process and Aron kept distracting me with bait like: “Hey kid, wanna learn to make some chainmail?” and “Hey kid, wanna fletch some arrows?” and “Hey kid, wanna try doing horseback archery?”
Obviously the answer to these questions was “BOY, WOULD I EVER!” Some delays are necessary to the artistic process.
(At one point my mom asked me “Hellen, what are you doing over at Grace’s house all the time?” And I, perfectly innocent, said, “Making weapons!” and my mother, who never understood why I was like this, but accepted that a girl has needs and those needs occasionally involve stocking a personal armory, said “Okay! Have fun!”)
Soon, the bullwhip, size extra small, was finished. The lessons on actual bullwhip use commenced.
It should be noted that Aron was self-taught, and really had no idea what to do, so this was mostly an exercise in the two of us standing twenty feet apart and flailing wildly with our respective whips until snapping noises happened. And then we figured out what we’d done to make the snapping noises. And then we kept doing that. Extremely vigorously. So vigorously that at one point one of the bullwhips launched into the air and caught on a tree branch and we hand to drag the trampoline over so Aron could bounce me high enough to grab it. But we persisted!
Eventually we reached a point where we could line up pop cans on a fence rail and hit them off three times out of five.
Feeling extremely accomplished and like I finally understood method acting, I packed my bullwhip into my backpack for the next play rehearsal. Soon enough, it was time for me to make my entrance.
I leaped on stage in my cowboy boots and cracked the bullwhip as hard as I could, immediately launching into the song despite the fact that the sound of five feet of braided leather breaking sound barrier had startled the accompanist so badly she’d keysmashed on the piano.
The director shouted something she probably shouldn’t have shouted in a room full of small children, and then demanded, “WHERE DID YOU GET THAT!”
“I made it!” I declared proudly. “I’m a cowgirl! I can make my own bullwhip noise!”
“You…made it?”
“Yes! Because we needed a bullwhip sound effect. And bullwhips are where bullwhip sound effects come from!”
This was, of course, impeccable logic.
It is apparently difficult to argue with a gleeful ten year old who happens to be armed with a bullwhip longer than she is tall. After some negotiation, the director agreed that I could use my bullwhip for my opening song, provided that I didn’t pop it while anyone was anywhere near me on stage and I didn’t let anyone else play with it. These terms were acceptable to me.
Somehow, no one was injured and the play went off without a hitch. We can only chalk up these things to the magic of the theatre.
Nearly a decade later, an unsuspecting college classmate asked me, “Hellen, wanna take a class on bullwhip combat with me?”
Okay guys I have NEVER recommended anything here other than books and hashtag not sponsored BUT. I just got my Nike Go FlyEase shoes and they are a disability GAME CHANGER for me.
[img desc: a person steps onto an odd looking sneaker which is folded partially in half. the shoe closes around their foot as they step down]
They are a funky little shoe that literally FOLDS in such a manner that they can be put on and off entirely without your hands; you can just step in and out of them.
The history of them is actually very interesting; the FlyEase line was always designed with disability in mind (the first one was inspired by a teenager with cerebral palsy, Matthew Walzer). They’ve been a thing for years but they never had one that particularly stood out to me amongst other similar shoes… until the Go.
You see, along with being someone who has only a few bends in me per day before it’s all over, I’m also a fall risk. Like a comical fall risk. I’ve fallen into traffic. I will just roll over and die at a moment’s notice. And most slide on shoes are unstable and slip around on your foot. This shoe clamps onto me like a goddamn vice. It’s Got Me. It’s also got good arch support which is like, a plus. By freeing up a bunch of bend-overs per day, this is going to leave me with a lot more ability and energy, especially on the bad days.
They sound too good to be true (I was VERY skeptical buying them despite the video review), but seriously, you can just step into them–and out of them by stepping on that chonky back heel there. God knows I’m not the only person with difficulty sliding on heels or tying laces in the world, so I thought I would be remiss if I didn’t recommend them. If you think they might help you out, they probably WOULD, as they were recommended to me by Footless Jo, an amputee YouTuber, and as mentioned, were inspired in part by people with disabilities ranging from cerebral palsy to past strokes.
They’re Pricey but ultimately average when it comes to Nice Shoes™, the ones I got were $125.
I’d like to add that shoes like these are adaptive clothing products and very important to the disabled community.
Here are 2 more well known adaptive shoe companies:
Kikiz is the company that developed this specific tech! Nike opted to fund them rather than buy them out, in part because a lot of their workers were old Nike employees.
MY BLACK ASIAN ASS HAS BEEN TRYIN TO TELL YALL ABOUT THE BEAUTY OF SPAM EGGS AND RICE FOR DECADES ITS SO CHEAP IT COST LIKE $5 AND U CAN EAT IT FOR WEEKS. THATS LIKE 25 CENTS A MEAL 🍳 🍙
I guess I’ve been lied by Monty Python…
I don’t know about where y'all live but Spam is pricey here. Like I could just buy MEAT. I feel like I’m living in the darkest timeline.
this is the most upsetting thing you could have said. i don’t want to think about a world in which spam is expensive instead of being $2 a can
I been getting spam in food parcels and I am converted. It goes with everything and I dont have to worry about my ADHD making me forget to use it like the rest of the meat I get
I like to keep a supply of those individually packaged slices. It’s pricier than a whole can but it keeps and it doesn’t waste if I only just need a slice for a sandwich or some rice
Put the down back in the can with plastic wrap! ziplock bag! put it in the fridge & it’ll still keep for a while.
Ofc your situation may be different but just so folks know there’s some less expensive options to try out before they try more pricey solutions
“Kaynemaile has worked tirelessly to perfect the material science behind beautiful architectural mesh, collaborating with architects and designers on projects that embolden urban environments with positive buildings. The company’s patented polycarbonate mesh, inspired by 2,000-year-old medieval chainmail, was initially created for the armor and weapons seen in the The Lord of The Rings movie trilogy and is now used on major architectural projects around the world.
“The film’s art director and Kaynemaile’s founder Kayne Horsham worked with his team to construct each garment from plastic plumbing tubes, coating them in pure silver. Once filming wrapped, Horsham dedicated himself to creating a change to the liquid state assembly process to mass produce the polycarbonate chainmail for architectural applications — products that were light, but strong enough to protect the interior or exterior of a building. Now an industry-leading manufacturer, Kaynemaile produces mesh for everything from small interior screens to large scale exterior façades. Their mesh is easy to install and can be custom created for specialized applications.”
‘Are these magic cloaks?’ asked Pippin, looking at them. with wonder.
‘I do not know what you mean by that,’ answered the leader of the Elves. ‘They are fair garments, and the web is good, for it was made in this land. They are Elvish robes certainly, if that is what you mean. Leaf and branch, water and stone: they have the hue and beauty of all these things under the twilight of Lorien that we love; for we put the thought of all that we love into all that we make.”
- Fellowship of the Ring, Chapter 8: Farewell to Lorien
This is how I think of Jackson’s movies. Yes, there are serious flaws - Gandalf’s de-powering, Gimli as comic relief, and Faramir, namely - but come on.
Remember when the guys making their chain mail invented a new method for quickly producing large amounts of it by hand? Remember Miranda Otto walking down the street, practicing sword positions? The guys who forged all of the swords - for leads and for extras? The men and women riders who volunteered to be riders of Rohan? The costume designers who designed the inside of Theoden’s armor (which no one would ever see) so beautifully that Bernard Hill said he felt like a king? The friendships between the cast, and their size doubles, and the stuntmen?
they took forced perspective and scaled sets to a new level by adding moving set pieces to create the illusion that the hobbits and dwarves were much smaller than everyone else even when the camera moved.
every scene you see in the 11+ hours of glory that is the LOTR masterpiece is most like ridiculously elaborate or expensive–from model towers to the all-new motion capture technology used for gollum to the costumes and sets to the aerial on location shots of mother-fracking new zealand and the big impressive battle scenes and horse charges.
but then the story and the screenplay too–there is just SO much lore that is there
in the background lurking
if you want to look for it, yet it still remains simplified for the average viewer. Crazy impressive feat.
And the acting is heartfelt and real and makes you love the characters.
ALSO DON’T GET ME STARTED ON FREAKING HOWARD SHORE AND HIS 100+ HEARTSHATTERINGLY BEAUTIFUL LIETMOTIFS AND BRILLIANT SUBTLE VARIATIONS IN THE FLIPPING 13 HOUR SOUNDTRACK. AND ENYA SINGING IN REAL ELVISH.
i can tell you with full certainty that right now aj crowley has taken up a job as an uber driver and is leaving the public of london mentally scarred but where they need to be seven times as fast
I’m not sure if his uber rating would be extremely good or extremely bad. “Drove 90 down Oxford street. It was terrifying. Reached destination 30 minutes early due to over taking traffic on pavement. 5stars. Would NOT reccomend”
All of his customers leave terrible reviews but he’s having a blast and BELIEVES he’s doing great, therefore his ratings are great
“so the dude showed up in a car that was like a hundred years old which I was like wtf because uber told me my car didn’t qualify when I had a 2005 civic. stuff like the gas gauge and shit weren’t even working? like it was way below E. anyway, didn’t die, somehow. 5 stars”
“scary as hell but good playlist. 5 stars”
“Picked me up with his boyfriend in the front seat who seemed less than pleased about picking up a stranger on their way to the Rizt- he gave me a chocolate Bon Bon out of nowhere when I got out though and made me feel 100x better when wishing me a fabulous day. Hope they had a great date. 5 stars”
There’s a user called Erika Horn (@erikahorn.art) on tiktok who made a “duet me” challenge so technically impressive that all of the duets are exactly like this LMAO
ALT
